Sex and the (slightly) Older Woman Pt.7

I feel like a bon-bon, or more prosaically, a turkey – trussed and stuffed.  I have scraped off an entire epidermal layer, waxed, and polished, and preened. I am sitting here in a tattered terry robe, fluffy pink socks, and white cotton gloves.


  I have Winkies under my eyes, Frownies on my forehead, plumping cream around my eyes, bleaching cream on my lip and a full coating of tanning cream over all.  Oh, and some weird dead skin remover from the Koreans on my heels.  I have brushed, flossed, and bleached.  I have used a magical product on my crustier bits (per the package instructions) that literally sloughs off dead skin.   Even if the Date doesn’t appreciate it I’d keep using that.

I have selected new foundation garments that squish and squash my generous figure into a more svelte silhouette.  And shoes that squeeze these hardworking feet until they squawk.  How am I to walk without toppling, or talk without gasping? And how am I to get OUT of this packaging should the magic strike?

Why don’t we maintain the effort once the prey is cornered?  How can we possibly think its only necessary for as long as it takes to ensnare the unsuspecting victim?  We actually believe “he loves me just the way I am.”  Heads up girls, tactical thinking is still required.  Even when our looks start to slide, we can deliver a certain level of sexual enthusiasm, unqualified emotional support or – maybe – just swallow our cynicism and shut up?

Do men go through this same angst to make themselves appealing?  Do they even think about it?  Are men so confident? How is that possible? We have been reared in the same system, experienced the same education, grown up in the same culture. Is this one of those fundamental differences that is explained in “Men are from Mars…” or by Dr. Phil?  Can it ever be explained?

M&R, to my dad, meant a day hanging out in the garage.  Maintenance and repair to ladies of a certain age means many days and many dollars trying to look our best.  And the $64000 question – who, exactly, are we doing it for?

Next week I’ll share my perfectly logical thoughts about why dogs are better than husbands.


  1. the sushi image that followed made me laugh

  2. OK,
    Here’s the deal. All that stuff you are doing is probably only noticed by other women who are doing the same thing. Men appreciate a pretty face (not necessarily all made up) and a sexy body. It’s not much deeper than that. We also appreciate women who look sexy and a bit fun. Our goal is to get you in bed, at which point all the maintenance is out the window anyway.
    Relax and have fun.

  3. Speak for yourself, a well put together woman stands out much more than “just a pretty face.” Keep up the interesting work.

  4. OK, you MUST tell us: what was the magical “crusty bits” product? All of Larchmont wants to know!

  5. Ladies, listen and listen good: 1 – don’t EVER tell us you have “crusty bits”. Anywhere. EVER. and 2 – we don’t care home much they hurt, a great pair of heels will cover a multitude of sins and birthdays. Trust us on this, it will accentuate all the positives you have left…

  6. Its all about the confidence you get from primping and prepping, it buys the time to think about the possibilities…mentally pre-game…know that every inch is soft, scented, sexy and ready to play. Its pre-foreplay, keep the lights on , this is worth looking at, I am a confident woman stuff!

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