Twisted Pickets: Abs-solutions

Summer is rapidly approaching.  How flat is YOUR stomach?





As the air warms up here in suburbia, women start to panic.  With bathing suit season a mere 80 days away (or even less), we regard our doughy white bodies in the mirror and think, “Oh my gawd…I look so FAT!”  Quite honestly, most of us are not even close to being rotund, but people like Heidi Klum make us feel so.  (I don’t really believe she eats whatever she wants.  But I digress…)

We furiously stock up on blueberries and fiber bars and kale and protein shakes.  We suit up in our lycra finery and dash off to our respective gyms, classes, nutritionists, support groups, Frankensteinian weight loss consultants, and health food stores to work on dissolving our cellulite.  The alternatives – skirted bathing suits or long sleeved shirts on 90 degree days – are too horrible to fathom.

The concept of “organized exercise” is a relatively new one.  In the 1960’s, only body builders went to the gym.  You only ran if you were an athlete, in the military, or if someone was chasing you with a weapon.  And then, the 1980’s marked the era of exercise fashion – sweatbands, legwarmers, and aerobics — a far cry from today’s Nike chic.  What were we thinking?  It must have been a result of all the drugs consumed in the 1970’s.  Now, the fitness industry is a staple of suburban life. 

Zumba, hula hooping, Bikram, core fusion, boot camp, power pilates, pole dancing…just a few of the panoply of ways gyms and fitness gurus have devised to firm-up flesh.  Gym-goers jockey for their favorite spin bike or a spot right by the mirror.  It can get ugly.  “That’s MY bike!” I have heard adults declare.  And I once was almost punched-out on a Sunday morning after I moved a woman’s yoga bag slightly to the left so I could get into my locker.  Obviously, she had not found inner peace on the mat.  Or perhaps her pre-summer diet of lettuce leaves and broth had made her jittery. 

We should all try to look and feel our best and remain relatively fit all year-round.  However, if you end up jigging a little while poolside or you sport a bit of extra butt flab this summer in the Hamptons, you should sport your cellulite proudly.  We cannot all be Heidi – and besides, someone HAS to buy those size 12 bathing suits at The Westchester.

Here are just a few places to find out-of-the-ordinary workouts in our area.  Have other suggestions?  Please comment!


Gluteus Fabulous, Equinox , Mamaroneck

Circuit Circus and Magic Circle Madness: THE GYM, Armonk

SoulCycle, Scarsdale

Core Fusion, Debbie Frank, Larchmont

Strip Tease and Zumba,  The Loft Dance and Fitness, Yonkers


Twisted Pickets is authored by Billie Cleaver (a pseudonym).  She claims to be a renegade relative of June and Ward Cleaver.  June had a torrid affair with Eddie Haskell and Billie was the result.  She inherited June’s apron collection.

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